I met with a psychologist to discuss my youngest son today. He was recently diagnosed with ADHD so we are looking into everything we can to help him. It got me thinking about my own parenting skills. I am, by no stretch of the imagination, perfect.  I yell more than I should. In those moments when I can control myself and think before yelling I say to my boys, “Mommy needs to go upstairs for a few minutes to think. Please do not follow me.” Fortunately for them, they usually listen. (Maybe it’s because my teeth are gritted and my face is as red as a beet so they know something is up… kids are wiser than we give them credit.)

While I talked with that psychologist today, she asked me about daily interactions with my kids and how they reacted. I was completely honest about the times I’d lost my cool with them and how often it happens. She was very reassuring that it’s “normal.” I haven’t ruined my boys.

As I was driving home, it got me thinking about the mothers in my life that have influenced me the most. The mothers that, when I look back on watching them in moments of complete chaos, remained calm and loving and nurturing.  The mothers who, in that moment that I walk (or run) upstairs to get away from my boys so I don’t go completely bat-shit crazy on them, I think how they might react in that moment.

This is my shout out to them.

First up is Carolyn Chambers. My best friend, Peggy’s, mom is amazing. As a teenager, I watched her go through some incredibly challenging times with teenage girls. I didn’t fully appreciate it at the time but, in moments when she could have rightfully been furious and yelled and screamed in anger, what I witnessed was the extraordinary amount of love she was able to show them. She would let them know she was angry but she always made sure they knew they were loved. And she did it with kindness and respect.  Clearly, it paid off as her girls respect her and have an amazing relationship with her as adults.

I also spent quite a bit of my teenage years with them. I spent more weekends and summer days (and even school days) at their house that, in hindsight, it felt like I lived there half the time. So, throw in a fourth teenage girl she was dealing with then. Never once did I feel judged for all my shortcomings. (I’m sure I caused her a few grays hairs myself.)

Second up is my Aunt Debbie.  When her kids were very young, she decided (and I still don’t know how she’s sane) to take care of other people’s children.  I was in my early twenties and she and my Uncle Tim put up with me spending A LOT of weekends at their house… eating their food and sleeping on their couch. So, on top of dealing with her very young children, she was also basically dealing with a girl barely out of her teens and all of her problems!  I could talk to her about anything and I never felt judged. She could always make me feel better about whatever was happening in my life.

While her kids were amazing, they were still kids… and all kids are a handful. She was always the essence of patience and that always amazed me, especially after having spent the entire day taking care of at least three or four other kids. I never saw her yell at them. (I didn’t live with them… maybe she did, but I never witnessed it.) She was always patient and loving. When they argued or did something she didn’t want them to do, she could always sit down and talk calmly with them about it. (Again, something I didn’t really appreciate at the time as I did not realize how difficult that is to do.) Now that her children are grown, also has amazing relationships with both of them.

Third up is my sister-in-law, Anita. Wow. Five kids, stay-at-home mom, home schooled her kids. Let me say it again, FIVE kids. I can remember being at Jim’s mom’s (before we were married) and Anita and Mark would come to visit with the kids. Let me point out again… five of them.  Again, amazing kids… but there were five of them. They were happy kids… and sad kids and kids that fought and kids that got upset when things didn’t go their way and kids that yelled and screamed and cried. They were kids dealing with not sleeping in their own beds and being surrounded by a lot of people and being out of their own environment.  Something I didn’t get until I had kids of my own.

I now know EXACTLY what it’s like to drive my kids in a car for more than five hours to spend time with family that, by no fault of anyone or anything other than distance, they don’t really know that well. I know what it’s like now to have them all camping out on the floor of one bedroom and having to share that space when they are used to sleeping in their own space.

In all that chaos (and God love Jim’s family, he’s the tenth of eleven kids… when they all get together, it is chaos) Anita was always the epitome of patience and love.  Again, now that her children are older, she has an amazing relationship with them.

Honest to goodness, (and you can ask my husband if you don’t believe me) there have been so many times in my life as a mother, when my kids are freaking out and I feel like I’m going to lose my mind, I have said, “What would Anita do?” And it has saved my kids from the wrath of a crazy woman. (It’s mostly Anita I think of in those moments as she was the mother with the youngest kids as I was finally old enough to appreciate what motherhood is all about.)

So, to Carolyn, Aunt Debbie and Anita, I want you to know how very much I look up to you, especially now that I have children of my own.  You are amazing women that have influenced me more than you know. I love you all and continue to try to follow in your footsteps.

(Might I add, all three have amazing husbands that are also amazing fathers… but that’s a story for another time.)